In an article - Atheism was an “Error”: English Professor & Atheist Mark Bauerlein Converts to Christianity, Bishop writes, “Every night in bed I foresaw my pending nonexistence and trembled. I shut my eyes and the walls closed in. That I was destined to join the nothingness that I spied in the bush was an intolerable prospect, an unthinkable thought. My mind was stuck on eternal death,” “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it, this can’t be happening.”

The article continues - 'But unlike what some atheists would claim, namely how rejecting belief in God and religion is both liberating and desirable, “The discovery didn’t free me, it crushed me. The universe was open, but my life was closed. Others might take the disappearance of God as liberating, a chance to forge their own future, but not me. Whatever plan I might commence, whatever identity I might pursue, it shrank to pointlessness beside the yardstick of boundless nothingness. I understood my atheism as an achievement, but it didn’t inspire any further achievements. My only creative impetus was to dramatize my own condition, my only critical one to despiritualize everyone else’s. I didn’t deny the good, the true, or the beautiful, but I certainly denied any supernatural grounds for them. All my strength went into demystification, and once those ideals became secular norms, they didn’t excite me. I’d lost God, and whatever his replacement might be (helping others, making money) left me cold.”'

I was raised in a Christian home and, with some doubts along the way, have mostly concluded - and 'bet my life on such' - that there is a God - who creates, sustains, loes and cares for Creation (though marred now) and for each one of us (though mostly we don't deserve such love or care).

I've studied the Bible for many years, and related Christian writing, theology, devotionals, advice, bibliographies and other helps. I know 'how to run a church' and how to 'deliver a sermon,' conduct meetings for church-folk - and the like. But there are days when one wonders what's going on, really - what it's all about. 'Hey Jude!' Hey Jesus! Hey God! What's goin' on!!

I understand what it's like 'not to believe' or to live, at least, like one doesn't . . .

But, as the years go by and I approach the End of life as I now know and embrace it, I keep coming back to faith and trust (more and less some days still, to be honest).